July 24, 2008 9:56 p.m.-10:10 p.m.
My brain hurts.
I think I’m getting sick.
It always happens when I get like this; when I go to the ‘Nothing Place’.
I stay up as late as I can (or am allowed) then sleep.
I sleep as long as I can; trying to get lost in my dream worlds.
I hate life.
I wish I could just…watch.
But I’m forced to live; eat, sleep, actually survive.
So, I sleep as much as I can.
I don’t do drugs or fuck and I don’t want to bleed away the numbness.
Drugs aren’t an option.
So I sleep.
Is this even making sense?
I can’t tell.
My eyes are burning like I have a fever; my brain feels sick.
I’m reading Heroin Diaries, but I don’t even know if any of it is getting through.
But, I know it is because I’m having day dreams.
Even when awake I dream.
I lose myself.
I was zoning out and I felt a sting in the crook of my elbow and this warmth flooding into me. I looked down at my arm to see what it was- only to realize that I had been dreaming.
It had felt so fucking real.
It wasn’t like the cold ice of a vaccine; no latex slide of gloves against my flesh. It was an almost comforting feel of a calloused, calming hand lightly gripping my forearm; a warm, tingling heat spreading through my veins.
What was being injected into my arm?
Who was holding the needle?
I have my suspicions, but I will leave them unsaid.
If I write them down, I fear these sick dreams will only become more vivid and my obsession with this subject will only get worse.
I’m afraid, yet I am so numb and brainsick I can’t seem to make myself care anymore.
All I can tell you is- if I had been born 20 years ago, I’d sure as shit be a fucking junkie.
(I look back and ask myself why I ‘Drugs aren’t an option’ was in bold, but I’m afraid to answer my own question)
