I am The Scorpion Entry 9

October 5, 2008 11:12 p.m-11:21 p.m.

I realized something.

I never get sick.

Not really.

I mean, sniffles and aches and the occasional headache.

But I never get really sick.

Why?

Is this sickness inside of me causing this?

Does it kill off anything that risks overriding its hold on me?

Is it some sort of infection that devours all its enemies?

Is it jealous?

Does it want my full attention?

Or is it fueling itself? Using the would-be sickness to feed its own virus to infect me further?

Maybe I should be thankful, but it’s still unsettling.

Just the random observation of the night.

Moving this week has got me a tad stressed.

I shouldn’t say moving though. That doesn’t bother me.

I’m used to it.

It’s a convenience to have boxes instead of shoving all the possessions I can into a bag and hopping a train.

My Mother is just making it Hell.

I’m smoking like my lungs breathe cancer instead of air.

Maybe that will be the sickness that wins out over this thing inside me.

Here’s to hoping.

I am The Scorpion Entry 8

September 5, 2008 7:02 p.m.-7:07 p.m.

My body is tingling.

Nicotine coursing through me.

I’m numb.

And in this moment I am happy.

But so brief.

It’s already fading.

I tell myself it’s the stress making me chain smoke.

Maybe it is.

Maybe I just like to keep this feeling.

Shaking hands, unsteady feet.

Numb in this haze of nicotine and hate;

Bittersweet.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore.

Honestly.

But maybe I do and I’m in denial.

All I know is when I find a means of self-destruction, I throw myself head first into it.

I put my whole heart and soul into it.

I wish I had this much commitment to other things in my life.