I am The Scorpion Entry 1

Make Me Care

Slipping, slipping away
Relapse of emotions
Worlds turned to gray

I’ve never craved salvation
Or a white knight on his steed
But I’ve had a realization
Self-destruction is what I need

Rusty knight with golden eyes
Shining lance held in his hand
Fill me full of all your lies
Make me feel, make me understand

No solution, no remorse
Injection made to make me feel
And as the drug runs its course
I realize it isn’t real

Rusty knight with golden eyes
Shining lance held in his hand
Fill me full of all your lies
Make me feel, make me understand

Daydreams of solutions
I will never seek in this life
Sex and pain pollution
But too scared of needles or a knife

Rusty knight with golden eyes
Shining lance held in his hand
Fill me full of all your lies
Make me feel, make me understand

Glamorized
Stylized
Actualized
Realized

I crave these things that I know destroy
To feel, to breathe, to live
I know that drugs are not a toy
Though the only solution this world seems to give

Rusty knight with golden eyes
Shining lance held in his hand
Fill me full of all your lies
Make me feel, make me understand

Would I push the plunger in?
No one will ever know.
Do I wish I had the courage to give in?
I bet you pray the answer is no.

I wish I wasn’t scared
I wish I could make me care
I wish I was scared
I wish I could make me care

I wish I could just give in
I wish I could make me care
I wish I would feed this sin
I wish I could make me care

I wish I was someone else
I wish I could make me care
I wish I could be myself
I wish I could make me care

I wish I could feel
I wish I could make me care
I wish I wasn’t real
I wish I could make me care

I wish I could just give in
I wish I would feed this sin
I wish I wasn’t scared
I wish I could make me care

I wish I could make me care
For just a moment

July 21, 2008 4:10 p.m.- 4:32 p.m.

If Nikki Sixx can do it, why can’t I?

The Diary I mean, not the heroin.

We are both in a very bad place; wasting away before out very eyes and not knowing how to fix it. His solution was to get clean. What is my solution; start doing drugs?

I wouldn’t say this is a depression.

That would be so much simpler.

No, this is quiet the opposite. I can’t seem to feel anything. Yes, rare glimpses of emotion; but few and far between. Most of it is acting; ghosting through life and praying.

Praying for what?

Praying to who?

Doesn’t matter.

I just pray that maybe…I will start feeling?
Or maybe that I can teach myself to care?
I don’t even know what I pray for, all I know is that I hurt inside. In a vague sort of way.

I ache.

I ache for these emotions I can’t seem to find.

It feels like my life is some hideous play. There are a few reoccurring characters, but I am the star.

But I don’t have a script.

Everyone else has one and they all expect me to play the part that was written for me, but I have no clue what that part is.

So I stumble and try to follow what they do, but I always end up failing
So I go silent, which is apparently worse.

But I am sick of falling and failing.

I just want…

I don’t know what I want anymore.

All I know is that I am not happy.
I’m not happy with who I am or how my life is.

I will never regret having a child, but I hate that she has to be raised by me.
I am by no means a bad mother.
I know this.
But I am not…what I want for her.
I don’t want her to end up like me.
The girl that wishes she was stupid enough to do drugs to feel something other than emptiness.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not glamorizing drugs.

I want the bad effects as well.

The Fear, the Paranoia, the Pain; anything that can get through this shell.

I crave destruction.

I crave self-destruction.

I want to remake myself.

Only when you have reached the lowest pointing your life can you truly see yourself and fix your problems.

I wish…I had run away on my own.
Killed the girl I was completely.

I don’t want her inside me; crying all the time.
I want to beat her into submission.
I hate the weak little shit I used to be, and the scared girl I am now.

I want to be…fearless and reckless.

I wish I just…wasn’t me.

I don’t want to be me.

I want to throw it all away; everything.

Leave this all behind.

But I have responsibilities.

Baby is crying. I have to go. Like I said…

RESPONSIBILITIES